As the new year approaches I start to deliberate on what I want for my future. This year, as with many years before I desire for enlightenment, wisdom and strength.
Self- development and personal growth have been a persistent urge of mine now for years. I cant recall the exact moment it truly took hold of me but it was sometime in the fall of 2009. I couldn't let go of the fact that I wanted change.
I wanted freedom of an overwhelming burden I felt within myself. I was reaching out for some sort of understanding of my life and why I was feeling so unfulfilled. I tried everything I could think of to fill the void I felt. I surrounded my self with people, I started going to church all of the time, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, got involved in organizations and still felt this strong burden. I was so infatuated with what was missing I put myself into a massive state of depression. I couldn't even function if I wanted to. I was so encased in my mind and the feeling of this massive hole I felt. I tried to blame everything under the sun, trying to place my void on a specific situation, person or a single point in time that made me start to feel the way I did. Finally... finally I figured it out, it wasn't one thing, it wasn't one event, it wasn't any other person. I came to realize that it was everything, it was all of the events in my life, all the ways I handled them, they way I perceived them, It was ME. All of the people we encounter in our lives, all of the situations we are in are shaped by how we, ourselves, view them. Yes, bad things do happen, horrible people do enter our lives but we are the only ones in control of our minds. We are the only ones who can allow someone else to impact the way we think or feel about a circumstance. As I started to understand this concept more I started taking action, Changing the way I thought about things, people, places and events in my life. I chose what is important to me and first and foremost it is ME, I am my number one priority. I finally understood that everything that others were saying or doing wasn't about me, it was about what ever that person was feeling, It was about how that person was choosing to handle a situation. I started to notice the little things people were saying and how they treated me. I started to realize who had my best intentions at heart and when they did. I learned how to let the little "things" go. I finally felt freedom. It wasn't bothering me what other people thought of me, I didn't take to heart what others said to me. I know who I am. I know my actions and how I treat others. I know what my intentions are and why I do things. For me, knowing that is what makes all the difference. So for this up coming year I hope to learn something new, gain a deeper understanding and have the strength to move forward in being the best me I can be.